


Bad Idea

by zahnie



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Leverage
Genre: Alternate Universe - Good Omens Fusion, Angels, Babies, Demons, Explosions, Gen, Kidnapping, No Apocalypse, Pre-Relationship, Technically?, Wings, well one temporarily baby-shaped entity anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 07:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20131990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zahnie/pseuds/zahnie
Summary: Eliot as an angel, Parker as a demon, and Hardison as the Antichrist, with a very Good Omens setup.





	Bad Idea

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank the Good Omens renaissance that floods my Tumblr dash every day with meta, fan art, ficlets, etc. and especially thank [lady_ragnell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_ragnell/pseuds/lady_ragnell) for her [lovely Leverage-Good Omens ficlet](https://theladyragnell.tumblr.com/post/186689568383/ficlet-prompt-leverage-ot3-good-omens-au) that gave me the spark for this fusion.
> 
> Also thanks as always to greenmonstermash, my eternal cheerleader for all things fic! ilu <3
> 
> I kept playing [Ariana Grande's bad idea](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCgjt74J-fw) while writing this so that's where the name comes from :D
> 
> Enjoy!

“She's late,” Parker hears Halphus say. From her perch on top of the mausoleum, she has a good view of the whole cemetery. It's pretty deserted at this time of night, especially with a storm coming.

“She's always late,” Tirgan says.

Parker smiles to herself. She got here before either of the other demons had even left Hell. She hasn't been late to a meeting in seven hundred years, and she was only late then because they switched the time to right in the middle of Saturday dinner. And there was no way she was missing Eliot's cooking for a stupid bragging session.

After a few more minutes of watching the other demons wait, Parker jumps off the roof. She lands silently on the clipped grass. Neither of them notice.

Parker sees something odd next to Halphus. It's a basket. Without a sound, she moves closer to investigate.

There's something alive in there. Parker can hear it breathing. She peers in, inches away from Halphus. It's a _baby_.

“Why did you bring that?” she asks. Both of the other demons jump at the sound of her voice.

“Where the Heaven did you spring from, Lilith?” Tirgan asks.

“Parker,” Parker corrects him. She changed her name a long time ago.

Halphas shrugs impatiently. “Lilith, you're over an hour late. I expect you have some kind of excuse?”

“Why did you bring a baby?” Parker asks again.

“This isn't a baby,” Tirgan says.

Parker glances at the basket again, resisting the urge to take her sunglasses off. It absolutely is a baby. She's seen babies before, lots of times. Demons are supposed to lie but they're also supposed to be good at it.

“This,” says Tirgan, gesturing at the basket with a flourish, “is the end of the world.”

Parker freezes.

They stand there in silence for a moment. Then, Halphas sighs. “He's the Antichrist, Lilith. He's going to destroy the world and bring about the eternal reign of Hell. Remember? His coming has been foretold for centuries.”

Of course she remembers. It's one of the things she's tried so hard to forget during her six thousand years on Earth.

“You are to bring him to his new home. What an honour for you, Lilith.” Halphas holds out the basket to her.

“Parker,” Parker says automatically, grabbing the handle with suddenly numb fingers.

“When Hell is triumphant, you will let go of that foolish human name,” Tirgan says, sneering.

Parker doesn't say anything and the other demons don't wait for her to answer. In a puff of brimstone, both of them vanish.

She stands still for a long time, long enough for her arms to start aching. The first cold drops of rain hitting her skin jolt her back to reality.

Parker looks down into the basket. The Antichrist looks up at her with interest in his dark brown eyes. “You're going to ruin _everything_,” she hisses at him.

The Antichrist blinks slowly at her. Then he yawns. It's cute.

Parker quickly averts her eyes. She shifts her grip on the basket handles. They want her to deliver the baby and start the countdown to Armageddon? Well, she's going to do what demons do best.

She's going to rebel.

***

“We're closed!” Eliot yells, as the door to his restaurant bangs shut. He could've sworn he locked up an hour ago.

Nobody answers. Sighing, Eliot strides through the kitchen door into the tiny dining room. He stops dead.

Parker is standing there, dripping wet. She's clutching some kind of bag to her chest and shivering. Her sunglasses are steaming up in the relative warmth.

He's about to ask why she's here and why she isn't just miracling herself dry when the basket starts to wail. A distinctive kind of wail.

Parker hisses at the basket. Her chattering teeth ruin any possible menacing effect.

“Parker,” Eliot asks slowly, “Why did you steal a baby?”

“I had to,” she says, raising her voice over the increasing volume of the baby's cries. “I—Angel, you have to help me.”

Eliot bites back an automatic denial. He doesn't _have_ to help her. In fact, he's never supposed to help her. She's a demon.

Parker pushes up her completely fogged up sunglasses with an impatient gesture, jostling the basket. The baby cries even louder.

“Give it to me,” Eliot says. Against his better judgment, he steps forward and lifts the baby up. Cradling it in his arms, Eliot sends out a wide radius of warmth that dries off both the baby and Parker. If anybody asks, and he hopes to God that nobody will, he can claim Parker just happened to be standing close enough to get caught up in the miracle.

The baby stops crying almost at once and stares at Eliot. Eliot stares back. The baby has dark brown skin and a few wisps of fuzzy black hair.

Parker sighs and steps out of the puddle of rainwater, her black sneakers now perfectly dry. “He kept making that noise. How did you get him to stop?” she asks, wriggling out of her dry leather jacket.

“He was cold,” Eliot says absently, still studying the baby. He seems to be practically newborn.

“Oh.” Parker tosses her jacket on a nearby chair and perches on one of the tables. She swings her feet idly, sunglasses still up on her head.

“Parker,” Eliot says.

“Nobody's here. I can sit on the tables if—”

Eliot growls, “Dammit, Parker, the _baby_. Why is there a baby?”

“He's the Antichrist,” she says.

Eliot's stomach drops. He clutches the baby a little tighter to make sure that's the only thing that does. “What? Already?”

Parker nods.

“Why... why did you bring him here?” Eliot asks. Heaven would be overjoyed if he handed them the key to the Apocalypse. But he doubts whatever they'd do to the actual baby would be pleasant.

“You don't want the world to end either,” Parker says, flatly.

Eliot winces. She's right. “We'll win the battle. Heaven will triumph over Hell,” he says anyway.

Parker shrugs. “The world will still be gone, even if you do. So why even have the fight at all?”

“What are you talking about?” Eliot asks, shifting the baby to a more comfortable position against his chest. They have to fight. That's the whole point of existence.

Gracefully, she slides off the table and plants her feet on the floor. She points at the baby. “He's the one who gets it started, right? If they don't have him, the rest of it doesn't happen.”

Eliot turns a little away from her, automatically shielding the baby with his body. “Are you asking me to help you kill the Antichrist?” he asks.

Parker blinks. “No, of course not. We need to hide him.”

“What?”

She sighs heavily. “They wanted me to bring him somewhere specific, so they'd know where he was while he grew up. That means if nobody can find him, that will mess up the plan.”

It sounds like pretty weak reasoning to Eliot. “But it's fated to happen,” he argues. “Won't he just end the world somehow anyway?”

“Do you have a better idea, angel?”

They go back and forth for the rest of the night, only stopping every few hours when Eliot needs to feed the baby. Finally, as the sun rises, Eliot gives up. This idea goes against everything he is supposed to be, but if six thousand years on Earth with Parker has taught him anything, it's that Eliot's never been exactly who Heaven meant him to be.

***

_Twenty years later_

Alec yawns and grabs another orange soda out of the convenience store cooler. His eyes feel like he's been rubbing them with sandpaper. He's been coding for hours and hours, trying to build better hacking software so he can be faster in the field. Last time, he was seconds away from getting caught. It's harder than it sounds, though, and he's out of soda _and _gummy frogs.

The grocery store won't deliver until morning so he's at the gas station store three blocks from his latest apartment at 3 a.m. again. It might be time to move soon. The night clerks are starting to recognize him.

Gradually, Alec realizes there are other customers in the store because he can hear them arguing. “—unbelievable that you don't know where he is!” The guy sounds pretty pissed off.

“If we don't know where he is, they can't make us tell them!” The woman sounds just as annoyed.

“Have they... tried to make you tell them?” All of the anger is gone from the man's voice.

“They think I just fucked up the baby exchange somehow. I'm fine, don't worry, angel.”

“I'm not worried.” Even Alec can tell the man is lying.

Alec turns to go pay for his snacks and there are two white people blocking the aisle. The woman is all in black including sunglasses, a fun size box of Lucky Charms in her hand. The man is wearing a long-sleeved white Henley and worn jeans. Weirdly, they both look familiar.

As Alec opens his mouth to ask them to move out of his way, the woman makes the box of Lucky Charms disappear. Alec blinks. She must have put it in her coat or something.

The man sighs heavily. “Do you have to?” he asks, wearily.

The woman looks over her shoulder to grin at him, blonde ponytail swinging.

“Excuse me, can I get past?” Alec asks.

They turn in unison to stare at him. The man's eyes widen and the woman steps back.

“Hey, I don't care about...” Alec gestures at the cereal boxes still on the shelf. “You do you, okay?”

“It's him,” the woman whispers loudly.

“I know!” the man whispers back.

“Uh, what?” Alec asks.

“You're the Antichrist,” the woman says, rudely.

Alec stares at her. This is not where he thought the conversation was going.

“Parker. You're gonna blow his cover,” the man says.

“What the actual fuck.” Alec starts backing away, suddenly not tired at all anymore.

“_Glowing_ like that is going to be the thing that blows his cover,” Parker mutters, stepping forward. The man puts his arm out to stop her.

“Okay, I don't know what the hell you two are talking about. That's cool, whatever, I'm gonna just go now,” Alec babbles.

“Hey, what's going on?” the store clerk calls from behind the counter.

Alec reluctantly drops his orange soda and gummy frogs and dashes up a different aisle to the front of the store. He shows the clerk his empty hands before he shoves the door open with his shoulder.

He runs a couple blocks in the wrong direction, to make sure they don't follow him. He doesn't hear any sirens. Slowing to a walk, Alec looks around one last time.

The man is leaning against a tree about ten feet in front of him. “She's right, you should mask your power better if you want to hide.”

Alec stands still, his heart racing from more than the run. “What the fuck, man?” he pants.

Parker steps out from behind the same tree. Alec could've sworn that shadow was empty a second ago. These streets aren't _that_ dark.

“Who the hell are you people and how come you can teleport?” Alec asks. He doesn't really expect them to answer. This whole thing is weird enough that he's not completely sure he isn't dreaming. Wouldn't be the first time he fell asleep at a computer.

“We didn't teleport, we flew,” Parker says, and holy shit, she has _wings_. The man steps forward and he has wings too. They're huge.

“Wow,” Alec breathes. “So, you're... angels?”

Parker laughs. Alec doesn't know her at all but that laugh didn't sound entirely happy.

“You don't know anything, do you?” the man asks, looking concerned.

Alec bristles anyway, on general principles. “Excuse you, you're the one making me _guess_ when you could just be telling me what the fuck is going on!”

“I'm Eliot and she's Parker,” the man says. “I'm an angel. Parker's a demon.”

“Nice to meet you, I'm Hardison. Alec Hardison, I'm a human,” Alec says, only a little bit sarcastically.

Eliot shakes his head. “You're the Antichrist. You're supposed to end the world.”

“How do you know it's me? Because I'm glowing somehow?” This whole thing is crazy. Nobody is ever going to believe him.

Parker sighs. “Let's go get something to eat. I'm hungry.”

Eliot glares at her. “You can't be.”

Parker ignores him. She looks over her sunglasses at Alec, her eyes glittering strangely, “Come with us to Eliot's restaurant. We can talk more there.”

***

They take a cab to the restaurant because why not. Alec gets into the backseat with Eliot but then, Parker pushes in from Eliot's side and he ends up in the middle. Alec tries to give Eliot room but his leg ends up pressed against Alec's anyway.

Alec finds he has more questions about angel and demon physiology than he ever thought possible. How come Eliot has body heat? Does he ever get cold? How come Parker's wings look exactly like Eliot's except for the colour? Are all angels and demons this unrelentingly _attractive_ or is he personally just unlucky?

“Eliot makes the best food,” Parker says out of nowhere, after Eliot's paid the cab driver and they're walking up to the door of his restaurant.

Eliot snorts but he looks pleased.

“He puts all the feelings in,” Parker continues. “Then you can see what he really thinks about you.”

“No, I don't,” Eliot says immediately.

Parker grins at Alec. Alec can't help but grin back at her. She can obviously tell when Eliot's lying too.

Eliot has his hand on the doorknob when the building explodes.

The shockwave from the blast throws Alec backward. For a split second, he's flying through the air. Every muscle in his body tenses, bracing for impact. But it doesn't come.

Alec opens his eyes, squinting against the smoke and flames roaring up from the empty shell of the building. He's lying on the street in a kind of crater, like the asphalt was fine sand he skidded into. He coughs once but it's more out of habit. He isn't hurt at all.

Dazed, Alec looks around. Parker is beside him, already staggering to her feet. Her leather jacket is on fire. “Eliot!” she yells.

Alec can't see Eliot through the smoke. Sirens echo off nearby building as the emergency responders rush to the scene. He can feel this weird pressure in the air, like something else is getting closer too. Something big.

“Lilith. I should have known _you _would be here,” a strange woman says. She's standing in front of Parker, white suit completely free of smudges, white wings spread wide behind her.

“Get out of my way, Remiel!” Parker snarls, rushing forward. Remiel raises her fist like she's going to hit Parker.

Suddenly, Eliot is there between them. Remiel's blow falls on him instead of Parker. He cries out and falls to the ground.

Hands burst out of the sidewalk and grab Parker's ankles, throwing her down. A hideous creature shoves its way out of the ground, laughing horribly. Remiel raises her fist again.

“Stop!” Alec yells.

Everything freezes, except him, Eliot, and Parker. They stare up at him. Alec realizes he's floating a few inches off the ground.

“What's happening?” he asks them.

Eliot gasps, “The final fight. They're coming.”

“But you said I'm supposed to end the world.” Everything has been moving too fast but Alec definitely remembers that part.

Eliot nods. “You'll pick a side.” He winces, clutching his ribs. Parker crawls over to prop him up.

Both sides don't seem great from where Alec is standing. “Why would I?” he asks, quietly.

“You have to end the world! It is written!” It's like a whole stadium of people is saying in unison. Alec can sense the endless ranks of angels and demons, demanding that he choose.

“I don't think so,” Alec says. “The world isn't so bad. And it could get better.”

***

It takes him a few tries but Alec manages to heal Eliot and Parker, unexplode Eliot's restaurant, dismiss the angels, demons, and emergency vehicles, and repair the street.

Eliot keeps looking around at everything like he can't quite believe it. “So, it's just over?” he asks.

Alec shrugs. “I'm not going to change my mind.”

“What do we do now?” Eliot asks.

“Whatever we want,” Parker says.

“You know,” Alec says, contemplatively, “I bet we could help a lot of people, working together.” He's always worked alone because nobody could keep up with him. A team sounds kind of fun though, with the right partners.

Parker and Eliot look at each other. “Maybe for a little while,” Eliot says.

Parker grins. “That's what you said about Saturday dinners and we've been doing those for a thousand years.”

Alec laughs. “Let's go change the world,” he says.


End file.
